


Say goodbye

by SwingAndAMiss



Category: Turn (TV 2014)
Genre: M/M, based on the real families of ben and caleb, i did my gosh darn research for this fic, places they lived and died are all based on true history as well, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-18
Updated: 2016-05-18
Packaged: 2018-06-09 04:26:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6889954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SwingAndAMiss/pseuds/SwingAndAMiss
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ben has to go say goodbye.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Say goodbye

**Author's Note:**

  * For [itainttreason](https://archiveofourown.org/users/itainttreason/gifts).



> This was a contest done with user itaintreason  
> We both had the same prompt and the winner writes the saddest one (I personally think they won)

It’s February 9th 1827 when the letter came in. At the age of 73 Ben wasn't as nimble as he once was but as soon as he read the letter in full he dropped everything he was doing and hobbled to his horse. His son Frederick who had decided to visit for the week chased his father in distress. “Father where are you going?!” He called out to him but Ben being as stubborn as he always was just grunted getting his saddle ready. The old man’s hands struggled to lift the heavy weight of the saddle but was able to get it secure. Ben faced his back to his son. He just needed to leave with no distractions.  
Sighing knowing how his father was, Frederick spoke again. “Well you can’t possibly go alone. And I can’t very well go with you if I don’t know where we’re headed.” Turning around Ben gave his son an almost sad smile. “Black Rock. I’m going to Black Rock.” And before Frederick had even a chance to ask why his father spoke again. “Caleb has fallen ill.”  
For a few moments nothing was said. Everyone knew how much Caleb meant to Ben and that Ben would have left without even a word if Frederick had not caught up to him.  
“Well Father, Black Rock will be a 2 days ride and we’ll need to pack for the trip.” He gently prys Ben’s hands from the reins. Ben hadn't even noticed the death grip he had on them. “Let's go inside.”  
Guiding his father back to the house he feels him tremble. Unsure if it is because of his old age or something more.

\------

2 and a half days later Ben finds himself in Black Rock Connecticut. He hadn’t seen Caleb in years and he can say he is far more nervous than he had imagined he would be. After the war they began different lives, both in Connecticut but apart from one another. They had always been closer than most friends and both of them knew that. The time they shared together was one more of a romantic nature than a friendship. Unfortunately for both of them showing their affections for each other wasn't the smartest thing to do. During the war they had seen 2 men hang for getting caught and both of them didn't want to face the same fate. They both understood the love they shared, but this love also made it hard to keep the other safe.  
As children and young teens it was easy to hide the way they thought about one another from onlookers. People would pass it off as brotherly love but as you got older people talk and rumours spread and you could find yourself with a noose around your neck with the person you love right beside you about to meet the same demise.

So they pushed each other away and after the war they parted.

Caleb moved to Black Rock, became a blacksmith, found a nice women to marry and had many children.  
They still kept their friendship and wrote letters occasionally. But when the person you are in love with is married and has kids it's hard to keep in touch.  
Ben often thought of if Caleb still felt the same way about him.  
When you love someone as much as Ben does Caleb, it doesn't just go away. Even if you are miles apart and haven’t seen the other for years that love still burns.  
Ben does love his wife but he has never loved her like he does Caleb. Caleb was always there for him in more ways than one.

When Ben reaches Caleb’s house he shoos Frederick away. He would probably go stay at a nearby inn.  
As soon Ben Knocks on the door a man he doesn't recognize answers.  
“He's in the last room to the left.” The man says looking defeated as he leaves the residence. Ben is a little flustered that the man just expected him to be there but he enters the house anyway.  
As Ben walks the hallways he can feel his legs shaking. He braces himself against the wall for a moment. He feels as if the hallway could go on forever.  
Is he really prepared to see Caleb in such a weakened feeble state? Caleb was always a headstrong man determined to do anything and everything. In the letter it wasn't even in Caleb’s writing, it had been his wife and he had supposedly been sick for months. According to the letter Caleb refused to let Ben know. He insisted that not telling Ben would be better. At the end of the letter his wife wrote that the only reason she disobeyed her husband's wishes was because the doctor that came to visit more and more had given Caleb 3 weeks at best before the sickness would take over.

3 weeks. Maybe less.

The numbers raced through Ben's mind as he walked the corridor. There was a possibility that Caleb Brewster would only live in this world for 3 more weeks.

When Ben finally makes it to the door he stops. He could turn around right now and go home. Say Caleb was sleeping and didn't want to disturb him. He can save himself the heartbreak of seeing the man he still loves dying while he can do nothing but watch.

He knocks.

Ben can hear a muffled cough and a rough “Come in.”

When he opened the door there sat up in bed an old man sporting a grey beard. He was wearing a shirt that seemed much too large for him that exposed his upper chest where you can see his very hairy chest hair once brown now a mix of whites and greys.

“Ben?!” That man almost gasped as he heaved himself to an upright position. “What are you doing here??”

“You look old Caleb. I’m surprised even at your old age your body has permitted you to keep most of your hair.” Ben jokes and gives a sad laugh. He takes the letter Caleb’s wife wrote to him out of his pocket and waves it in the air. “Got a letter.” He says. “Why didn't you tell me before.” Ben stays by the door not daring to walk any closer. It had been a few decades since he had seen him face to face and he feels a loss of the familiarity they once shared.  
Caleb lets his head droop to one side. He looks to be thinking of a response but his mind has gone blank. For once in Caleb’s life he has nothing to say.

“Did you really not want to see me Caleb?” Ben tried not to sound hurt but he could tell he wasn’t doing very well at hiding it. Taking a deep breath Ben decides to walk over to the bed and takes a seat in the old wooden chair beside the bed.

This was the same chair the doctor sat in when Caleb was told he was to only live not even a full month. Caleb’s eyes darted to the chair but quickly went back to their almost glassy stare at the far wall.

Caleb still hasn’t said anything.  
Ben gives another sad laugh and hesitates before taking Caleb’s old calised shaking hands in his. He has pasley and Ben can feel his own heart breaking. He knew how much pasley had ruined his uncle's life and how much Caleb had to take care of him. He probably felt like a burden to his family. A useless shaky old man stuck in bed unable to do anything. An old man just waiting to die.

“Caleb…” Ben said sounding more desperate now. Ben scanned his face for any sign of a reaction. Caleb wasn’t even looking at him. He had turned his head away and he can see tears prickling his eyes. “Why didn’t you want me to come? Did you really want me to get a letter out of nowhere saying that you had passed on? Caleb why didn’t you tell me the moment you got ill? I could have come down and stayed with you and-”

“NO!” Caleb shouted but the shakiness in his voice provided Ben with the knowledge that he was not angry. “No. I couldn’t do that to you Benny boy. My family is already grieving and I’m not even dead yet.” He laughs and intertwined his fingers with Ben’s.

Ben can feel his face twist and his eyes redden. “Screw you Caleb Brewster. You selfish bastard.”

“I can’t help but agree.” He laughs again releasing one of his hands from Ben’s hold and reaches for his face.  
Ben leans into the touch. When they were together they usually couldn’t keep from touching each other. It might have been only touching the others face or a small grip of the others wrist, but to them it was the world. In a place that shunned their love anything they could get was good enough. Ben had been without Caleb since the war ended and missed this simple gesture greatly. He can feel hot beads of tears stream down his face.  
“Ya don’t cry much Tall boy, But when you do...” Caleb says as he wipes them away with his thumb. “It’s like the world stops.”

  
“I don’t want to say goodbye Caleb.” He shakes his head. “I can’t I just can’t” Ben was stuttering as he is trying to gather his words. “I-” Still love you He thinks but doesn’t say. How could he? They had never said it outloud but they both just seemed to know. “I…” He tries again but fails.

“Ben.” Caleb smiles. “It’s okay.” He gestures Ben to come closer. Now they are forehead to forehead and Ben is practically laying next to Caleb in his bed. “We all die you shite.”  
Ben can’t bring himself to say anything he just shakes his head and he can feel more tears. Feeling weak he tries to pull himself away from Caleb to compose himself but is pulled into a hug instead.  
He can feel Caleb’s whole body shake now.  
Caleb curls his head on Ben’s shoulder and Ben can feel Caleb’s smile fade.

“Ben, I don’t want to die.” Ben can hear Caleb say into his shoulder. The words are muffled but they are incredibly sad. In all of Ben’s life he had only seen Caleb sad a handful of times. And even when he was sad, there were never any tears.

Ben doesn’t know what to do. All his life it was Caleb who comforted him. When his mother died Caleb found him in the woods crying his eyes out after the funeral and brought him an apple tart. He stayed with him all night and they ended up sharing Ben’s small bed together.

So Ben just holds him tighter.

February was cold and frigid, but as Ben stayed in Caleb’s bed holding the man he had loved for so many years tight to his chest he never felt warmer.

Ben could feel Caleb stroke his hair or rather the hair he has left. Ben was just as old and grey as Caleb.  
He wanted to say something, he wanted to say more. He needs to tell Caleb he loves him. But he is tired and worn out. He would tell him in the morning. Just as the sun shines through the curtains and the birds chirping he would tell him. Maybe he would even give him a kiss.

They lay together with Caleb placing a hand on Ben’s back as the other free hands wove together.

They stayed like that all night.

\------

When Ben woke it felt like a dream. Waking up to seeing Caleb was just as amazing as he remembered. But something felt off.

Caleb hadn’t moved yet. Out of the two of them Caleb was always the one to wake up first.

“Caleb.” Ben gave him a playful shoulder shove as he pushes himself off to sit on the bed. He stretches his back. Looking down he notices that Caleb has yet to stirr. “Caleb?” A bit of panic is straining his voice.

Hands shaking he takes Caleb’s face in his hands. He’s cold. Too cold.

The sheer panic within Ben spikes. “Please Caleb please please please be playing a sick joke.” The words are spilling out.

Ben is gasping and he can feel the threat of tears.  
“You can’t be gone.”

He’s shaking. And he is shaking Caleb.

“Not yet.” He whispers to no one. “Not yet.”

  
Ben stays his Caleb’s lifeless body for half an hour. He was in shock and stays sitting on the side of the bed with a blank face and an even blanker mind.

Caleb’s family cried. Some had even come to console him.

When the doctor came in he gave the now hollow shell a once over and confirmed that he had passed on during some time in the night.  
The doctor said the words as if to make him feel better. As if dying was best.  
Ben felt a lump in his throat.

He headed towards the woods. And this time there won’t be anyone following him with an apple tart in hand and a shoulder to cry on.

  
\--------

When Ben returned to Black Rock alone it had been 3 weeks since Caleb died. Ben laughed to himself at how that worked out. “You could have died today.” He spoke to the sky as he dismounted his horse. The weather had gotten significantly colder and the ground was much harder. When Ben’s feet hit the ground it felt like solid rock. A light layer of snow litters Black Rock.

Ben was dressed all in black for the funeral.

The whole town had come to pay their respects. Some came to talk with Ben but most stayed their distance. Ben was a stranger and they didn’t know who he was.  
But those who did ask how he knew the late Caleb Brewster and all he could muster up was a cold “He was my friend.”

The funeral felt like forever. Family members crying, solemn whispers of “We’re sorry for your loss.”, drinking to hopefully forget and the overall feel of death. Ben hated it. But he stayed.

Ben stayed longer than anyone had. Even Caleb’s wife had left hours before.

“Benjamin, please come to dinner.” She said. But he said nothing. He stood at the grave in silence.  
“Please come say goodbye before you leave. I fear with Caleb gone you will not want to come back unless it is to visit the cemetery.” She pat his shoulder before leaving him be.

As it got dark he sat on the newly dug up dirt. It will probably ruin his clothes but he can’t bring himself to care.

It was a fairly simple headstone just like the others around him. He reads over the newly carved in words.

In memory of Captain CALEB BREWSTER  
Who died February 13th. 1827;  
Aged 79 years.  
He was a brave and active officer  
of the Revolution.

He shakes his head and pulls out the bottle he had hiding in his jacket. “Don’t worry.” He laughed. “I’m not going to drink myself into the grave.” He takes a swig from the bottle. “I’m not you.”

He laughs again but it’s more of a sad gasp.

“I still don’t want to believe that you’re actually under here.” He pats the ground with an open palm. The earth is soft and cool underneath his fingertips. “I feel as if as soon as I turn around to walk away you’ll pop up from behind this godforsaken headstone and call me an idiot.”

“I didn’t even get to kiss you one last time.” He whispers.  
“I was going to do it that morning..and finally-” He cut himself off because he was crying again.

Wiping his face he says the words he's been waiting decades to say.

“I love you Caleb Brewster. I have and always will”

Finally saying the words Ben can feel a weight lift off his chest.  
Too bad no one is there to hear them.

 

 

 


End file.
